This  morning I woke up, did my pushups and ab workout.  Rode with my son to school on our bikes, and then did my own ride afterwards, vacuumed the house, and had an awesome lunch of roasted veggies w/feta cheese in a lowfat wrap.  Yum!

This could be my Facebook status, and it would be true.  Aren’t you jealous of my awesomeness?  I’m so healthy and in control and you should be feeling inferior right about now.  That’s because you read the edited version of my morning.

  Here’s the unabridged, annotated, version:

I woke up.  Made coffee.  Sat on the couch watching the news.  Remembered that I made a pact with myself to learn to do push ups.  Tried one, fell on my face.  Did a few situps on the exercise ball instead.  Son wanted to ride bikes to school.  UG.  Okay, made the 2.5 mile round trip ride without dying, but sweat like a beast and felt like I was being bifurcated via birth canal the whole time.  Realized, at home, that the dog got into the trash again; had to vacuum up that mess.  Hungry, but, since I polished off that bag of hummus chips last night, decided to have roasted veggie wrap.  That was less than satisfactory, so I had a bowl of birthday cake ice-cream to make up for it!  Yum!

That’s the beauty of the Facebook status.  We all get to edit our lives into fine-tuned perfection!  Here are some commonly used examples:

I have the best husband in the world!  Love you Dear!

*really means* I got busted texting my physical trainer about meeting for lunch and now I want to make sure my hubby and friends don’t suspect a thing!

My Little Johnny made all A’s on his report card!

*really means*  Thank God Johnny is smart, hell make it even though he’s obsessed with rubberbands,  roasting ants with magnifying glasses and has no friends.

I’m out to dinner with my wonderful family; a perfect evening!

*really means* I’ve already had 3 margaritas and if these kids don’t pipe down I’m going to have 3 more!

I have the best church and bible study ever!  Thanks girls!

*really means* I guess I’m out of the PTO after dropping the F-bomb three times and suggesting we do a wine tasting fundraiser.  I have more time to join a bible study now. 

So proud of Jimmy, he was selected as captain of the school basketball team!

*really means* Whew, if Jimmy wasn’t so good at basketball he surely would have been suspended for giving Little Johnny a Texas wedgie in the locker room!

Do I judge?  Do I think this is wrong?  No.  No I do not.  I think this is taking advantage of modern technology.  It’s just like airbrushing in magazines.  If I could have a layout  in Vogue that made me look like a smoking hot, perfect version of myself you can bet your sweet bippy I’d be all over it.  

Do I partake of the artificially airbrushed art of the Facebook status?  Well, I don’t have time to answer that question because I need to go start our gourmet dinner that will take 5 hours to prepare from scratch.  I want my perfect husband and my straight A, basketball star, children to get the dinner they deserve. 

That wasn’t the sound of a beer bottle being opened that you just heard…

~~Delaney Rhea


One thought on “Please airbrush my life!!

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