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Bigger Is Better

I really loved the HBO series, Big Love, the first few seasons; before it started to suck.  It was a fantastic portrayal of a polygamist family trainwrecking.  But, as with all good shows that jump the shark and become mere television fodder, the series came to a crashing, multi-widowed end.  Now, in replacement, I’ve found myself utterly addicted to the reality series, Sister Wives. 

If you haven’t tuned in to watch this little gem of a slow painful bleeding wounded family, it’s about a polygamist, Kody Brown, his four wives, and their litters of children.  Of course there is jealousy, drama, and confusion… why else would I watch. 

But wait!  I’m not going to bash this lifestyle; at least not anymore than I already have.  Just the opposite.  I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately and I’ve decided I’m done with this one-pony-show of me, me, and only me running this family.  I’d like there to be another mom to watch/feed/correct/entertain/teach/and clean my children.  I’d like to have ‘girl talk’ while cooking and cleaning.  I think shopping sounds much more fun with sister wives.  Surely another woman in the house would jump to help out when the children are fighting, the dog is on the table eating the homework, and the smoke alarms are blaring because dinner is (over)done!

So, I’ve decided to begin the process of interviewing for sister wives.  Below is my list of qualifications.  Please feel free to let me know if  you would like to be taken into consideration:

  1. Must be able to calmly and rationally interact with children. 
  2. Must be able to mix a stiff drink when First Wife can no longer follow #1
  3. Must not mind being molested by 13 lb dog with a bad habit of ear licking.
  4. Would prefer someone with strong organizational skills who is willing to convert a ‘Hoarders’ style home into a luxurious palace.
  5. Must wear a size 10 shoe, have good taste in shoes, and willing to share… no foot fungus, obviously!
  6. Must be willing to share the duties of scrubbing vomit out of carpet.  At 3am. 
  7. Would be best if you enjoy movies like “Shaun of the Dead” and “Zombieland” or at least “Nightmare Before Christmas”
  8. You can not, under any circumstances, bring any more pets into this house. It’s already a damn zoo.  Come to think of it, someone who is sterile or beyond childbirth years would be best.  I really want help with my children… yours, not-so-much!
  9. Must enjoy watching ‘man shows’ like Ice Road Truckers and car shows with the husband while I’m curled in bed with hot tea watching Sister Wives!

I’ll be taking applications via email and phone calls.  But, please don’t tell my husband.  When I suggested this idea to him he said another wife sounded like 2 too many… no, wait, that can’t be right…

 

 

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One response »

  1. Haha! I love the list of qualifications! Way too funny. They might be on to something, huh?

    Like

    Reply

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