I’ve discovered why there is an obesity epidemic among children these days.

Kids can’t whine and complain when their mouths are full of sticky, chewy candy!

Today is Easter.  A day of refined sugar and fatty meat overload!  It’s everything that Dr. Oz warns about, wrapped up in a pretty pastel dyed basket.

This afternoon I had enough of the ping-pong-ball-bouncing-off-walls children hyped up on chocolate and decided it was time for a family bike ride.  I put the bike rack on the van, loaded up all the bikes/helmets/water bottles.  I drove the kids to my favorite riding trail and reversed the bike equipment process.

Three minutes into our ride I start hearing:

My legs are tired. 

Are we done?

Are there snakes out here?

Are we gonna ride for 1000 hours or what.

Can we go back.

BEES!!!  I HEARD BEES!  Do you want me to die out here?

That was a SNAKE.  Oh, it was a stick.  A SNAKE.  No another stick.  It could be a snake. 

That’s it, I’m dying.  I’m going to die right here.

It’s too scary.  BUGS!!

AHHHH, A SNAKE, AHHHH… oh no, just a stick again.

I’m really dying.  Don’t you care?

I wish this place didn’t exist.  This isn’t a good Easter.  Do you want me to die?  SNAKE?!?!? 

Since it was a beautiful day, the trail was packed with people all wanting to aid me with my clearly mental six-year-old: “Oh, does she need something?  Do you need help?”  Yes, I need you to fetch the flask of gin out of my saddle bag and then turn your head while I give this child a swift kick in the… Oh, Easter spirit?  Religious holiday of hope and joy?  Fine, I’ll refrain…

All that time loading and unloading the bikes and we maybe rode a total of 3 miles.  For the record, I never saw a real snake, but if I had I would have let it bite me to put me out of my misery, or wrapped it tightly around my neck if it was non-venemous.  Incidentally, I’ve been keeping the candy flowing for the rest of the afternoon.  Some people call it a diabetic coma… I call it naptime!

~~Delaney Rhea





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