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… like a fat kid loves cake…

I’ve discovered why there is an obesity epidemic among children these days.

Kids can’t whine and complain when their mouths are full of sticky, chewy candy!

Today is Easter.  A day of refined sugar and fatty meat overload!  It’s everything that Dr. Oz warns about, wrapped up in a pretty pastel dyed basket.

This afternoon I had enough of the ping-pong-ball-bouncing-off-walls children hyped up on chocolate and decided it was time for a family bike ride.  I put the bike rack on the van, loaded up all the bikes/helmets/water bottles.  I drove the kids to my favorite riding trail and reversed the bike equipment process.

Three minutes into our ride I start hearing:

My legs are tired. 

Are we done?

Are there snakes out here?

Are we gonna ride for 1000 hours or what.

Can we go back.

BEES!!!  I HEARD BEES!  Do you want me to die out here?

That was a SNAKE.  Oh, it was a stick.  A SNAKE.  No another stick.  It could be a snake. 

That’s it, I’m dying.  I’m going to die right here.

It’s too scary.  BUGS!!

AHHHH, A SNAKE, AHHHH… oh no, just a stick again.

I’m really dying.  Don’t you care?

I wish this place didn’t exist.  This isn’t a good Easter.  Do you want me to die?  SNAKE?!?!? 

Since it was a beautiful day, the trail was packed with people all wanting to aid me with my clearly mental six-year-old: “Oh, does she need something?  Do you need help?”  Yes, I need you to fetch the flask of gin out of my saddle bag and then turn your head while I give this child a swift kick in the… Oh, Easter spirit?  Religious holiday of hope and joy?  Fine, I’ll refrain…

All that time loading and unloading the bikes and we maybe rode a total of 3 miles.  For the record, I never saw a real snake, but if I had I would have let it bite me to put me out of my misery, or wrapped it tightly around my neck if it was non-venemous.  Incidentally, I’ve been keeping the candy flowing for the rest of the afternoon.  Some people call it a diabetic coma… I call it naptime!

~~Delaney Rhea





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