I’ve discovered why there is an obesity epidemic among children these days.
Kids can’t whine and complain when their mouths are full of sticky, chewy candy!
Today is Easter. A day of refined sugar and fatty meat overload! It’s everything that Dr. Oz warns about, wrapped up in a pretty pastel dyed basket.
This afternoon I had enough of the ping-pong-ball-bouncing-off-walls children hyped up on chocolate and decided it was time for a family bike ride. I put the bike rack on the van, loaded up all the bikes/helmets/water bottles. I drove the kids to my favorite riding trail and reversed the bike equipment process.
Three minutes into our ride I start hearing:
My legs are tired.
Are we done?
Are there snakes out here?
Are we gonna ride for 1000 hours or what.
Can we go back.
BEES!!! I HEARD BEES! Do you want me to die out here?
That was a SNAKE. Oh, it was a stick. A SNAKE. No another stick. It could be a snake.
That’s it, I’m dying. I’m going to die right here.
It’s too scary. BUGS!!
AHHHH, A SNAKE, AHHHH… oh no, just a stick again.
I’m really dying. Don’t you care?
I wish this place didn’t exist. This isn’t a good Easter. Do you want me to die? SNAKE?!?!?
Since it was a beautiful day, the trail was packed with people all wanting to aid me with my clearly mental six-year-old: “Oh, does she need something? Do you need help?” Yes, I need you to fetch the flask of gin out of my saddle bag and then turn your head while I give this child a swift kick in the… Oh, Easter spirit? Religious holiday of hope and joy? Fine, I’ll refrain…
All that time loading and unloading the bikes and we maybe rode a total of 3 miles. For the record, I never saw a real snake, but if I had I would have let it bite me to put me out of my misery, or wrapped it tightly around my neck if it was non-venemous. Incidentally, I’ve been keeping the candy flowing for the rest of the afternoon. Some people call it a diabetic coma… I call it naptime!