I have a friend… well, more an acquaintance… a neighbor of sorts… Oh, I’ll be honest; I hate this chick!  Hate in the way that you utterly despise everything about a person, but are simultaneously drawn to them and everything they do.

This person is perfect.  She’s probably a size 4 on her fat days and is disgusted when she eats 2 Girl Scout cookies.  Listen string-bean-butt, I just ate a whole sleeve, THEN remembered how good they were to make ice-cream sandwiches out of and ate another sleeve… WITH ice-cream!

Whenever I lose my temper and yell at the kids, I’m sure she heard me and I can see her eyes rolling at my lack of parenting skill.  Of course she never yells.  She can calmly control her children… by the way, I’m also sure her children have never announced their farts in public, loudly, during dinner!

Her house is clean.  Everytime I open a cabinet and am pelted on the head with all the odds-and-ends that I don’t know what else to do with, I can envision her perfectly organized closets… even her pantry; it’s much like that of the OCD husband in ‘Sleeping With the Enemy.’ 

Everything I do is beneath her.  I find myself making excuses all day long to explain away my deficiencies to her and somehow prove that I am not worthless.

Really, this is a dreadful person to be with.  Except when she’s drunk!  Give her a few glasses of wine and suddenly I am awesome.  I am smart, funny, beautiful, and a good dancer!

So you may wonder who this is.  Are you looking around?  The answer is, no one.  She lives inside my head only.  Her nagging voice is constantly telling me to shape up, spiffy up, be better, do better.

I don’t put this much pressure on my friends.  I’m not sitting at home worrying about what is in your closet or whether your vegetable drawer has sticky-rotten-tomato-juice caked in the corner (oh, I have no idea where I came up with that image.)

So why am I so hard on myself?  We are our own worst enemies.  If I could accept my own flaws as readily as I accept those of others I could spend much more time solving worldly problems or enjoying the things that really matter; like Girl Scout Cookies.




2 thoughts on “With friends like these, who needs enemies?

  1. Tell the truth:
    You really don’t care that my vegetable drawer has sticky-rotten-tomato-juice caked in the corner?


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