I’m a murderer.

It’s happened more than once.

Drowning. Dehydration. Burning in the sun. Lack of nutrition. Improper care. Being run over…

Yes, these have all happened at my doing.  Some are happening now as we speak.

Put down the phone.  Yes, hang up.

It’s plants.

I kill plants.

When I buy new plants I feel guilt.  I know they are coming to my house to die.  I try not to let my emotions show.  I smile and whistle while I dig holes and plop them in the ground.  I pretend to know what I’m doing by adding soil and watering.

But they die.

Maybe it’s because I HATE gardening.  They can smell my distain and lose their will to live.

Maybe it’s because I hate digging.  I really scoff at the directions that say dig a whole twice as deep and tall as the root ball.  Really?  Doesn’t that seem like a lot of extra work to you people?  Don’t you have roots and rocks in your hard clay-like soil too?  I’m not breaking my back over a hole any bigger than is needed to shove the things in and… Oh, yes, see, they die.

It’s a good thing that I’m not a grave digger by trade.  Now that we all know I would barely dig a hole big enough to fit a body.   There’d be fingers and a nose sticking out for sure.  I’d just have to plant flowers and bushes around the body to hide it… but then they would die… and it wouldn’t help.

I should not blog on lack of sleep.  I should stick to coffee and reruns of Tosh.0.


My latest victims… I imagine their little voices crying, “Help us. Someone, please, save us!”







4 thoughts on “Six feet under.

  1. Maybe you’re not a murderer…maybe you’re somehow drawn to the ones who don’t have the will to live anymore…they know with you, they will end their life peacefully, already in the ground – instead of in some crappy plastic bucket…what you’re doing is humane – you’re like Hospice for plants…

    And yeah, check out the farmer’s market…please…



  2. My friends say that I could stick a Popsicle stick into the ground and it would sprout.
    But I LOVED this essay and how you consider yourself a cold-blooded killer of plants. But now, thanks to Michaela, you’ve become a Hospice worker–easing wilted and ailing plants’ passages into the afterlife.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s