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My snowman is going to eat your snowman’s brains!

I hate winter!  I hate cold!  I need sun and warmth to maintain my usual level of jolliness.  I wear depression like a Southern Belle’s ballgown in the winter.  I merge my buttcheeks with the couch cushions for days on end.  I cling to the hopes and promises of spring.  I try not to worship Punxsutawny Phil like a false idol, but I do cross my fingers and hold my breath waiting to hear news of an early spring.

March is a month made of broken promises and shattered dreams.

March is cruel and deceitful!

March can kiss my …….. ummmm, sorry.

This year brought a particularly cruel joke in the form of 14 inches of snow on March 24th!  Four days after the official start of spring and the last official day of my children’s spring break.  Guess what they had on Monday instead of school?  A SNOW DAY!!  That was Mother Nature sticking her middle finger up, her tongue out, and kicking me in the rear!

However, as with most children, my spawn were convinced that this was a great opportunity to frolic in the frosty white winter-diarrhea falling from the sky.  And, because I’m a great freaking mother, I obliged.  That is what love will do!  I put on layers, boots, gloves, my Snuggie, my Forever Lazy, and shoved a space heater down my britches then went out to play in the snow.

“Lets build a snowman!”

Okay!

Let me tell you, when you abhor winter and avoid snow like it’s the Ebola Virus, you don’t get much experience building snowmen.  It’s not quite like it is on TV.  It’s a chore.  A cold chore.  It falls apart.  The head rolls off.  The carrot shatters the head instead of making a cute nose, the hat causes the head to avalanche down the snowman belly, and in general… it is just a way to look a fool in your yard for your neighbors.  Or, at least that’s what it was for me.

I have neighbors who apparently took Snowman Building 101 in college.  They built massive man-sized snowmen.  They build cute ones with colored buttons and scarves.  Not here in the Rhea front yard.  We built a dilapidated mound of snow and haphazardly threw a had and scarf at it…then it started leaning over and it’s head rolled off.  Which is perfect really, as it is a much better mascot for how I feel about this spring snowstorm than some smiling Frosty the Snowman type frigid figure in my front yard.

I’m going to practice my Snowman building skills.  I’m going to seach Youtube and Pinterest for tips.  Next year, if spring does this to me again, you can expect a fleet of hungry SnowZombies in my yard.  Take that Mother Nature!

Snow deck

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2 responses »

  1. Snowmen can be tough, it’s not as easy as it looks. In our house it was sort of the opposite – me trying to convince my daughter to come out and play. It took about just as much time to get the snow gear on her as the time we actually spent outside. No snowman for us.

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  2. OMG D.J…. this is so me. And I live in MICHIGAN. It is HORRIBLE and I am practically dead. Me and the 4-year-old built a snowman after this snowfall as well. It was exhausting. And the darn thing was no more than 3 feet high. I kept trying to convince the child that we could just EAT the fresh snow and wouldn’t that be more fun? Apparently not.

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