Happy Anniversary!

Happy anniversary! Or is it Happy Birthday? I’m not sure.

Today is the one-year anniversary of my shattered ankle. Or the one year birthday of my Franken-foot janky-ankle, however you wish to see it.

This morning I decided to drink my coffee at the scene of the crime. A subtle “Who’s the Boss?” to the flesh-hungry stairs. A taunting of, “I get knocked down, but I get up again.”

365 days, a week in the hospital, 2 major reconstructive surgeries, countless physical therapy visits, dozens of meals from friends, buckets of tears, four consults with orthopedic specialists, and endless hours of internet research.

What do I have to show for it a year later?

I’m still in pain. Every single day.

Wait! This isn’t a sad story, hang on, don’t give up! (This line should be the title!)

I’m still living my best life. I’m still laughing everyday. I’m still loving my God, my family, and my friends. And I’m still happy.

Last Saturday night I went with my family to see A Christmas Carol at The Fabulous Fox Theater. The next day I helped host an Advent Tea at church, complete with moving tables, chairs, and being on my feet non-stop for hours. That night my ankle swelled up like a toad after rain and my pain was immense. I pulled out my handy knee-scooter and doubled up on Aleve for Monday. The important part of this story is that I DID THESE THINGS!  I’m living, and loving, everyday.

Yes, my left ankle is almost twice the size of the right one. Yes, walking hurts most of the time. Yes, my movement is limited and it limits things I used to do.  These were all my worst fears. For the three months that I wasn’t able to walk, I dreaded what walking would feel like. Once I started walking, and it was painful, I feared that it would stay that way and it wouldn’t get better. My fear and depression were rampant that this injury would suck away my happy. I feared my physical limitations would cause emotional limitations.

Happiness and joy are what we create. If we stop searching for them, we’ll stop finding them. I’m still happy and joyful. Even in pain. What a lesson to learn. My fears were robbing me of joy more than my reality. I will be honest and tell you that last March I slipped into a pretty hard depression. I was exhausted from healing. I didn’t see any end on the horizon and I didn’t think I wanted this new, limited, life. I had to dig deep every day to find joy. During that time I was so blessed with faith, family, and friends that wouldn’t let me give up. People who love me, even when I’m broken, and were willing to help hold my pieces together when I was ready to succumb to being shattered.

Today I’m full of hope. I’m two months out of my last surgery, and still actively healing. I have hope that the source of my pain was addressed and I’ll get better every day.

I have no doubt that you do, have, or will, feel shattered somewhere in your life, whether physically or emotionally. I want you to know that your fears and sadness are okay. You have the right to grieve the loss of your unbrokenness. Just, please, remember that there is hope. There is joy and happiness still for you. Don’t let your fears rob you of that joy. Don’t get so lost inside your broken that you forget that you are loved just the way you are. Lean on your people. My family could have never survived without the generosity and love showered upon us. It’s okay to ask for help and its really important to accept help when it’s offered.

And, above all, DON’T WALK ON STAIRS WEARING SOCKS! I’m sure your mom warned you and you didn’t listen to her, but listen to the jankle!

Take it from this lame Tiny Tim, “God bless us, everyone!”

~~Delaney

Me at the scene of the crime.