Warning: the story you are about to read is totally true.  No dialogue has been invented or embellished.  This is truly how my children’s freaky little minds work.

On the drive home from Vacation Bible School today we started discussing the future and what my kids “want to be when they grow up.”  Normal enough?

Boy Child:      I just want to be famous and live in a mansion. 

Me:      Nice. 

Boy Child:      I just want to live alone in my mansion with a pet capuchin monkey.

Me:      No wife or kids.

Boy Child:      No.  I don’t want to deal with diapers and poop.

Me:      Eventually kids will be potty trained.  Monkeys wear diapers always, and fling poo.

BC:      Nevermind.  I’ll adopt a kid in college.

Me:      When you are in college you are going to adopt a kid?

BC:      No, I’m going to adopt a kid who is already in college, and potty trained.

Boy Child to Girl Child:       Are you going to have kids?

Girl Child:      Why?  What are you going to do to them?

Me:      WHAT?  What do you think he’ll do to them?

Girl Child:      Punch them or stab them. 

…Awkward silence…

Girl Child:       I am going to be a veterinarian.  But not for horses.

Me:      No?

Girl Child:      No, I don’t want to stick my hand up their butts.

Me:      So, basically you are both planning your future lives around poop avoidance?



Boy Child:      Dad likes mayonnaise more than you.

Me:      Probably.  I HATE mayonnaise.

BC:      No, I mean he likes mayonnaise more than YOU!

Me:      You mean he likes mayonnaise more than he likes me?

BC:      Yes.

Me:      So if I were getting mugged he would not throw a mayonnaise jar at the mugger to save me?

BC:      Nope.  He would say, “That’s a bummer” and keep eating his mayonnaise.

Sometimes I find myself humming the Addams Family Theme song as we go through our days.  We walk among you… be afraid, be very afraid…

Much Love,

Morticia Addams, AKA, Delaney Rhea


7 thoughts on “Sh*t my kids say…

  1. You should keep a book of all the funny things your kids say! My mom did that and now she read us stories about all the silly things we did when we were younger.


  2. Indeed, those are my niece and nephew. Your nephew looked at his father the other day while a Match.com commercial was on and said, “you should write that down, in case you get vorced (meaning divorced)”. Mark looked at him and asked why he would be getting divorced, and with a straight face G said, “you get on mom’s nerves sometimes, she might kick you out.”


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